


Compensation

by Lillian



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-15
Updated: 2015-01-15
Packaged: 2018-03-07 16:58:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 537
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3177403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lillian/pseuds/Lillian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In the "unexpected party" scene Fili and KIli surrendered their weapons to Bilbo as a gesture of trust. Bilbo promptly dropped them to the floor. At Beorn's hall the brothers finally demand compensation for this grave insult against them...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Compensation

**Author's Note:**

> An old crack ficlet written for the kink meme.

"Really, this is most peculiar," Bilbo said, squirming in place. Fili squeezed his hip in warning not to move. "Why do I have to do this?"

"You should have thought about that before you disrespected our weapons," Fili answered. "That's bad luck."

Kili nodded vigorously in agreement from where he was leaning against a near-by tree and waiting his turn for recompense.

"If you offend a weapon it might refuse to protect its owner anymore. Do you want me and Fili to die, Bilbo?" Kili said, his tone implying that Bilbo was the worst sort of insensitive brute.

"Don't be ridiculous, I don't want- Hey, how is me doing this going to make your weapons less offended in any case?"

The brothers let out a put-upon sigh in such accord that Bilbo wondered if they'd practiced it.

"It would at least show you are remorseful," Fili said, and gave him a smile that showed entirely too many teeth. "Though you are quite right, this might not be nearly enough to make up for your insult."

"Oh, don't try that trick with me, I know that one," Bilbo hissed, and waved an outraged finger first at one, then at the other dwarf. "You pretend to ask for something even more outrageous so that eventually I would agree to this and imagine I got off lightly! It won't work on me! This ends here and that's my final word. Now get off of me!"

But of course it didn't end there, because for some reason Bilbo seemed chronically unable to refuse the unreasonable demands of dwarves. Five minutes later his new plan was to get it over with quickly, at least.

If only the damned dwarves would be quieter.

"Go deeper," Fili said, and tugged on Bilbo's shirt for emphasis.

"Any deeper and I might hurt you," Bilbo answered in a strained voice. Fili muffled a moan in Bilbo's sleeve in answer.

"Oh, yes, right there."

This was very embarrassing, Bilbo thought, and the fact that they'd acquired a small audience of domestic animals didn't help. A pig watched the proceedings while chewing thoughtfully, while a couple of hens clucked disapprovingly at Bilbo. And then of course there was Kili.

"Come on, Bilbo, finish him up. I want my turn already," he said, very nearly sulking now.

"No can do, little brother. I'm really backed up," Fili said cheerily.

"I don't care! Stop hogging Bilbo all to yourself! You'll tire him out and he'll be useless for another round!"

"Um, this is messier than I anticipated," Bilbo interjected, looking at his sticky hand in mild disgust.

"Just wipe it off in the grass somewhere," Fili waved him off.

"That's hardly hygienic," Bilbo said sceptically.

Just at this moment Kili decided he was done waiting and tried to push his brother off Bilbo's lap. Fili wouldn't give up his position so easily, and in the ensuing tussle Bilbo ended up almost squashed under two ox-heavy dwarves. That finally proved to be too much for him.

That's it," he shouted. "I don't care how hard it is to get the right angle by yourselves or how your fingers are too thick to reach deep, I'm never cleaning your ears ever again!"


End file.
